Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
soo... how was my night?
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