The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
