First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
