i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
