Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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