they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
