there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
