Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
