The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
