I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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