dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
