I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
