Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
