Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
