It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
