As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
