Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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