I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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