im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
