Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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