I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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