Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my sisters under your porch take her home
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
