I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
