Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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