I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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