I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
