I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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