When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
