Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How external is "for external use only"?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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