i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
BRING THE BAGELS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
