you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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