wanna go halves on a baby?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
