you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
