he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
