I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
