They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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