I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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