1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
