Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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