i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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