Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
