After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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