i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
