Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
