You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
pop tarts are not kleenex
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
