Your face is a jimmy john
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
