Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
