Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
