Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
