I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
